Ricky and Steve claim the K-man is more monkey than human. Karl is annoyed about being bald and wonders why people with ginger hair get so much stick.

Scientists working in Antarctica want Ricky to leave a message for them so he decides to dedicate the whole show to them. Steve comes up with a novel idea to make the recent Pope’s funeral go a bit quicker.

Karl saw a fat baby on tele and tactfully discusses the subject of autism. There’s more finger up the arse talk and Steve wonders whether there are many female proctologists. This week’s Monkey News is about a primate pornographer.

Pope's dead

Ricky: So these scientists, they're stuck away in the darkness, let's tell them what they've been missing, what's the highlights Karl of the last, Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington by the way, XFM 104.9 etc, what have they missed for the last, just do the last few weeks, what have they missed, remember they haven't got newspapers, they haven't got tele, what's the, look at him, he's looking at me like I just said that in arabic, what don't you understand, think what's happened, think what they haven't got that you know about, what have you seen and heard in the last couple of weeks that they couldn't have? Karl: What like on the news n' that, what's gone on in the world n' that? Ricky: Yeah. Steve: Or just things you've done personally, I think that will be of less interest. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: Pope's dead. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: Okay, the Pope's dead. Ricky: (laughs) I like it, imagine if that was breaking it to 'em, yeah they're listening and they go "what's happened", "the Pope's dead", "well don't say it like that, break it to us gently Karl". Karl: But I think that's better than how they do it on the news normally though innit, they make a big deal out of it and you panic a bit when they say "breaking news", and you think "oh, there's a war on", and they go "Pope's dead", and you go "oh well". Steve: So you just want that short sharp tactic? Karl: I just said it softly didn't I, "Popes dead". Steve: (laughs) You know all that coverage of the Pope, like these millions of poeple that had gathered in Rome, I was thinking about, remember we talked about the Queen Mother, and they were queing up and queing up and queing up to see the Pope. Ricky: Yeah, 4 hours to get a glimpse. Steve: And once again I couldn't help thinking that if they popped him on some sort of dessert trolley and just wheeled him past everyone else, they could've got that done in about three quarters of an hour. Ricky: (laughs) Yeah. Steve: You know once again people not thinking, they're not expanding their minds. Ricky: What like students in rag week, with a bed down Oxford Street. Steve: Exactly, put him on one of those novelty beds, they're all dressed in kind of cardinals gear. Ricky: Yeah. Steve: Yeah, just trundle him down the... Ricky: Yeah. Karl: It's the way they also said they've now got a new Pope, he's hardly new is he. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: Sure. Karl: Why didn't they learn from the last one, they keep taking on old people. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: Yeah, yeah. Karl: Me dad couldn't even get a gig in B&Q. Ricky: (laughs out loud)

Autism

Karl: I tell you what is interesting Steve, I didn't know that much about it, Autism. Ricky: Oh good, some more entertaining stuff from XFM 104.9, to cheer up people, go on then, what, what, c'mon. Karl: Have you heard about it Steve? Steve: Autism? Ricky: It scares me to death when he comes up, when he touches on a serious subject, we've been talking about wheeling a dead Pope round, the Chinese don't age well and ginger people are hated, and now we're gonna touch on a really, I mean my heart's in my throat, Karl tell me your insights into autism. Karl: Right well all it is, channel 4 coming up with some good stuff, it might have been channel 5. Ricky: (laughs out loud) It's the attention span that I like. Karl: These people who've got like this autism thing going on and they sort of take in a lot of information, they get sort of a bit, they get so into it that they know everything about that subject and what have you, right, and there was this lad who knew everything right, about 'Eastenders'. Steve: Right. Karl: The cameraman was saying to him "so you know, why Eastenders n' that?", he said "oh I dunno, I just like it", and he said "I remember when I first watched it, it was a Thursday, it was 5 to 8, Pauline Fowler walked in, she had a pink jumper on, she said 'alright love'", and he remembers everything from that moment on, right, and everything, which is great but then the way the programme was making out was almost like they were saying it's a disability. Steve: (laughs) Right. Karl: When in a way it's more like a superpower. Steve: Sure, like Rain Man. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: It's Rain Man, he has special autistic powers. Ricky: (laughs) I don't know what to do, but there's other things. Karl: But what I'm saying is, don't be watching Eastenders though, sort of, why didn't they give him an encyclopedia and say "get into that, that'll be useful", keep him away from Eastenders, wasting his time there, but I din't think it's a disability. Steve: No. Ricky: There are other things, also autism is a matter of degrees, from what I know, and I'm sorry to have to do this but I feel that I have to at least be the voice of reason as ill educated as I am on the subject, but I think one there's degrees of autism, I think some are higher performance than others, there's other issues with it, it's not that they've just got good memories, they don't go around doing tricks for people coz they can remember stuff, there are other issues with it, d'you know what I mean? Karl: Like what? Ricky: You watched the programme, what did you learn! That he knows when Pauline Fowler came in! Karl: Yeah I mean there were other bits where they couldn't control their emotions n' stuff. Ricky: Oh that other little bit, yeah. Karl: The main bit of it was that he could soak up information n' stuff and I'm just saying it didn't seem really bad, d'you know what I mean, there's disabilities where people say that's a bad disability. Ricky: Go on. Karl: Like when people say about... Ricky: This is brilliant this, this is amazig to be in a room with this man, it's incredible, you just wind him up and listen to what comes out and I'm gonna sit back now, I'm not gonna defend you or explain anything, go on then, tell me about other disabilities that are worse. Karl: No, what I mean is how people can sometimes get easily mixed up, how people are scared of like a cyclop. Ricky: (laughs) Karl: When at the end of the day he's got a disability. Ricky: Who's scared of a cyclop apart from Jason and his Argonauts? Where's this cyclop that your scared of? Karl: No I'm just saying in history and books n' that. Ricky: No, no, no, not in history, history happened. Karl: Yeah. Ricky: What are you thinking of, you're mixing history with Greek mythology and Roman mythology and every other type of mythology, what d'you mean, there wasn't really a giant cyclop that went round picking up ships and throwing them around, that's not history Karl, d'you think Batman's history? Steve: (laughs) Karl: No but this was ages ago wasn't it. Ricky: No, I'm not saying this didn't happen ages ago, I'm saying it didn't happen. Karl: Well it might have done, I mean what's so ridiculous about a fella with one eye? Ricky: In the middle of his head, and he's big and scary and lives in a cave! Karl: Why is he scary, if he had 8 eyes i'd be scared of him, at then end of the day he's got a disablity, oh we'll talk about it in a bit. Ricky: (laughs)

Primate Porn

Steve: Is it time? Ricky: I think so, CHIMPANZEE THAT! MONKEY NEWS! Karl: Right then, so there's this monkey, right, in Canada, it's in a zoo in Toronto I think it is, his name's Pascal, right, and what happened was all the people in the zoo sort of said you know "what can we do to spice the day up a bit". Ricky: Yeah, embellishing, no way is this a news story. Steve: Let him do the news, let him do the news. Ricky: Okay, any dates? Steve: Just let him read the news, you wouldn't interrupt Moira Stewart. Ricky: (laughs) No, coz she always says "today", so you know it's news, she doesn't say "right, there was a monkey right". Steve: (laughs) Karl: Alright a couple of weeks ago in this zoo in Canada. Ricky: Right. Karl: They got a camcorder and they said let's leave it for the monkeys to have a play with, right, so anyway they passed it around. Ricky: Won a BAFTA. Karl: And a couple of the chimps n' that were rubbish at it, they were like filming the floor and all that, fingers were always in shot and stuff like that right, but anyway there was one, this one chimp called Pascal, right. Ricky: Annoys me that you call them monkeys though, they're not monkeys, they're apes, go on. Steve: Ssssh, please. Karl: He was a dab hand at it, right, he was like filming stuff, really good shots, you know, sort of nice mood n' that, he used the lighting properly and all the rest of it. Ricky: NO HE DIDN'T! Steve: Just let him finish, this is the news, what are you talknig about. Ricky: (laughs) Steve it's so annoying, you know it annoys me so much, things like that, he was a dab hand at it, he was doing really good shots, it really annoys me. Steve: Let's hear the news. Karl: Anyway right, so he started at night like when the zookeepers went home, he started filming like other monkeys on the go like, whilst they were at it, right, and he was filming them and what have you. Ricky: The Ron Jeremy of the zoo. Steve: I love it, you know it's gonna end up on the web. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: So anyway the zookeepers came in the next day and it was like "let's see what shots he's got", anyway he's got all these like, all these monkeys at it and what have ya. Ricky: Oh you, this is, honestly you don't know what this is doing to me Steve, can I stop him now? Karl: So they thought like "actually there's a few monkeys who aren't at it enough", d'you know what I mean, they have problems or what have you, "so let's give them the videos". Ricky: THAT IS SO UNTRUE! THIS IS SO UNTRUE! IT'S SO UNTRUE THAT IT WAS FILMED BY A MONKEY! IT'S SO UNTRUE! Steve: Rick, I don't know who to believe. Ricky: (laughs) Karl, you're talking so much shit again! You must know that's not true, there's no way... Karl: So there's a load of tapes out... Ricky: Look at me! Don't keep talking, look at me, you must know that's not true. Karl: It's all here, it's all here, you had a go at me last week for not having the full story, I've got the full story, you're still not happy. Ricky: There is no way, by chance, "what shall we do, we could give them a camcorder", that could happen, he then films them at it, that might happen, it might happen but I don't think he'd keep the camera still, 2. "hold on though, this is good stuff, this is good shit, this porn's good shit, look at that, he's got a lovely shot here", this is ridiculous. Steve: Let's just recap coz I lost my way there, so the monkey has filmed the monkey porn? Karl: Yeah. Steve: And now they're showing it to the other monkeys. Ricky: Is he directing, is he saying stuff, is he going ah ah ah? Karl: It's just like Chimp Pimp 1, 2 and 3 and all the rest of it, right, but anyway they've got all these other tapes because what happened was, they said "he's quite good at this". Ricky: OHHHH GOD! Karl: And the animals are happy having him around coz he's not a human, he's just one of the gang d'you know what I mean, so they started putting him in with other things, like you know ostriches... Ricky: Right! Shit! Karl: And do you know they're having a problem with pandas in Japan? Steve: Yeah. Karl: They've sent him out there filming a bit of, where you going? Ricky: Honestly, you really annoy me, there's no way this is happening. Steve: Let's just hear the end! Ricky: Why can't he just find a real story about a monkey? Steve: Let's hear the end! Karl: The end is here, he's going to China, he's filming the pandas and what have you. Ricky: NO HE'S NOT! THEY WOULDN'T SEND A MONKEY DIRECTOR! THEY WOULD NOT SEND A MONKEY DIRECTOR!