Ricky’s been having problems with estate agents during the week, Karl enters the conversation and talks about some drivel involving them having to tell you if the house is haunted. Steve talks about his pathetic haggling attempt in Tottenham Court Road.

Karl gets confused by some schoolboy innuendo and Steve gives his thoughts on James Bond movies. He also tells an anecdote about a recent visit to a pool hall.

Educating Ricky includes a story about a baby born without a knob and Karl has a question about The Office Christmas Specials involving cavemen. There’s classic Monkey News involving Kirsty the lab assistant.

The baby with no nob

Ricky: Karl, now Karl, you promised me you thet were gonna re-introduce Educating Ricky. Karl: Yeah we can do that. Ricky: Have you got it, have you got somethin that I won't know that's correct and that will interest me? Karl: Yeah, there's loads of stuff. Ricky: Is it anything to do with monkeys? Karl: No, we've got Monkey News. Ricky: We've got Monkey News coming up, of course we have, now over to XFM for Monkey News with Karl Pilkington, "alright". Karl: No, we're not doing that yet, Educating Ricky. Ricky: Well let's do it, Educating Ricky, oh that's interesting and it's correct! Karl: Hang on though, what I do is, I tease you don't I with headlines. Ricky: Oh go on then. Karl: And then you have to sort of go "that one sounds good, I wanna know more about that, educate me". Ricky: Go on then, what are the headlines? Karl: You've got erm, well... Ricky: Oh jeez. Karl: "That nelly died". Steve: (laughs) That nelly died. Ricky: Alright then, could be about an elephant, go on. Karl: You got "well, erm"... Ricky: Not well, take well as read, so they all start with "well", okay. Steve: (laughs) Karl: "Nob-body has been that lucky before". Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: Brilliant, alright. Ricky: Okay. Karl: Or you've got "get a lobe of this court case". Ricky: Right okay, i'll go for "no-body has been that lucky before". Karl: Right, it's a story about this kid who was born, right. Ricky: Was he? Karl: Yeah, he was lopped out like and the dad and the mam saw the baby and it was like "oh it's a good looking little kid". Steve: Sure. Karl: And they were proud 'n that. Ricky: I like that they're surprised that it's a good looking little kid, it's theirs, like it could've been a frog and they'd have gone "oh, its got your eyes". Karl: And then the doctor goes "yeah, it is, but look at that!" Ricky: What? Karl: He said "it's a boy and it hasn't got a nob". Ricky: (laughs) I love the doctor saying that. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: I love this GP and this mid-wife saying that "oh, I lovely little boy, but no nob baby, Mr and Mrs", I mean think. Karl: Right, no but I'm speeding it up a bit. Steve: Alright, c'mon, so the baby's born. Karl: And the woman's like "oh, it's our first as well", 'n stuff right, she's really gutted. Ricky: "What's the second gonna be like?" Steve: A head. Ricky: (laughs) Just a nob. Steve: "We'll call it Karl". Ricky: (laughs out loud) Right, go on. Karl: So the doctor says "we'll i'll leave it with you for a bit, get used to the idea", right. Ricky & Steve: (laugh) Ricky: As opposed to throwing it away. Karl: So he wanders off. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: He comes back with a smile on his face. Ricky: He's found a nob Karl: So the mum and dad are like "what are you smiling about?", he says "you're never gonna believe this, baby's just been born, it's got two!" Steve: (laughs) Karl: Right, "you can have one of them", and they did a little operation. Steve: Where did you get this information from? Karl: That was in a book. Steve: What book? Ricky: Is it the same as the book that you carry round with you? Karl: No. Ricky: With the woman with 3 legs, the juggler with 9 arms and the bloke who was found shagging a chicken under a rock, is it in that book? Karl: No, weird though innit. Ricky: Well it's not true. Karl: It is true. Ricky: What in the same hospital there's a baby born without a nob, luckily... Karl: Yeah. Ricky: Karl! Steve: (laughs out loud) Karl: It happened. Steve: You swear to God you're not making this up. Karl: I'm not making it up, honest to God. Ricky: The doctor came back smiling he goes "you won't believe it, there's a baby there with an excess of a nob". Karl: It happened, honestly, all these things are not made up, the educating stuff, that's why I do it, innit, teaching you stuff, always teaching you stuff. Steve: If anyone can confirm the baby with no nob, the baby with two. Ricky: Oh well they're gonna confirm it, they're gonna go to the same dubious website that Karl got it from. Steve: Always try to be reasonable and level headed in these situations. Ricky: It's always Guatamala or Mexico, "Rodriguez, da da da, was born without a nob, luckily baby next door, nah nah nah, two nobs", what a load of shite, play a record.

Cavemen

Karl: I watched 'The Office' christmas stuff last Sunday. Ricky: Did you enjoy it? Karl: I think it was good. Ricky: Good, thank you very much. Karl: It was up there with one of me favourites, the second one, the second one was good. Ricky: Yeah, okay, the second one, more of the payback is in the second one, the first one is more setup, yeah so I would have thought people would have liked the second one more, so that's nice, a nice critique, thank you Karl. Karl: But there was somethin in it you did about cavemen. Ricky: Cavemen? Karl: You said somethin about, it was a fact about caveman, and you sort of only half did it, you didn't give the full information like. Ricky: What!? When was it, what bit was it? Karl: It was the bit when you were talking about getting a woman I think, or you were talking about breasts or... Ricky: Oh, oh the one where I said the reason woman have cleavage is because it reminds men of buttocks coz when we were cavemen we used to do you from behind. Karl: Yeah. Ricky: Yeah, at the blind date, yeah. Karl: Is that a joke, or? Ricky: Well I was hoping it was funny, oh you mean, oh I dont know, yeah I think I did, I think cleavage is meant to represent, in a sort of Desmond Morris, pop sort of anthropology type way, I have seen that before, cleavage represents buttocks, and I imagine, you know, cavemen probably did do it from behind, I don't know what you wanna know Karl really, it's in a sitcom, it wasn't a documentary. Steve: It looked like one. Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah, brilliantly directed to look like one, i'll give you that. Karl: You're saying that blokes like... Ricky: I think cleavage is represented like buttocks because buttocks were much more of a sexual organ, evolutionary speaking breasts were actually to bring up, to suckle young and were a sign of sexual maturity so you're ready to mate, but whereas, Karl I'm not an anthropologist mate, I'm struggling here, what do you need to know? Karl: But... Ricky: Yeah I imagine that cleavage reminds you of an arse. Steve: (laughs) Karl: Right, well, if it's all about arse why don't gays like a little bit of tit? Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: No, but d'you know what I mean? Ricky: Oh, you've done me, "so the question put to us today on XFM, 104.9, please call us up, is if it's all about arse why don't gays like a little bit of tit, if it's all about arse why don't gays like tit, if it's all about arse why don't gays like tit, call in with your, thanks very much for tuning in, this has been children's tv, if it's all about arse why don't gays like tit". Steve: It's only been an hour and a quarter before we got round to gays. Ricky: (laughs) If it's all about arse why don't gays like a bit of tit is the question, what a brilliant question, well if your an anthropologist or a psychologist, doctor, a gay, please call in, if it's all about arse, this is the question. Steve: I'm not convinced by this whole cleavage looks like an arse, that's why... Ricky: No, Steve, nor am I, it's a bit of mock anthropology, I didn't think it would be under scrutiny. Steve: I think it's more likely that the reason men find cleavage attractive is coz they know there's a lovely pair of bristols down there. Ricky: If that's what's on show, if that's in the front window, what's she got in the back of the shop? Steve: Exactly. Ricky: (laughs) Oh dear.

Kirsty

Ricky: I think we've only got time for Monkey News you know, what you thinking Karl? Karl: Yeah, if you wanna do that. Ricky: Yeah, let's do Monkey News. Karl: Alright. Steve: Play the jingle? Ricky: OH CHIMPANZEE THAT! MONKEY NEWS! Karl: Right, there's this monkey, right. Steve: Oh yeah. Karl: I think his name was number 6 or number 7 or somethin right, in this lab, right, anyway it's in there with you know, like the rabbits and little mice and stuff like that. Ricky: The rabbit smoking? Karl: The nurse, right, well not the nurse, the woman who works in the lab, what would you call her, is it nurse? Ricky: It depends, it depends what her job was, if she was a lab assistant you call her a lab assistant, I mean they probably call her by her name. Karl: Alright, lab assitant right. Ricky: Kirsty, I think it's probably Kirsty, Kirsty Morris. Karl: Well she's in there right. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: And she doesn't work with many people 'n that, she's mainly on her own, she's putting lipstick on rabbits, stuff like that right. Ricky: Chimp fancies her? Steve: (laughs) Ricky: (coughs) Chimp fancies her, she's putting on lipstick, chimp fancies coz she's got hairy legs. Karl: He gets pally, right, with this woman because, you know, it's gets to the point when she sees him everyday. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: (laughs) It's the way he tries to string it out like it's a narrative love story, did the chimp put it's hand out and grabbed her and then you're thinking he made a move on her? Steve: Right, c'mon. Ricky: Well it's not a story is it. Karl: He's allowed out the cage or what have ya, so he's wandering about and as time goes on he's watching what she's doing more and more, right. Steve: Yeah. Karl: So he notices like the code on the door, right. Ricky & Steve: (laugh) Karl: Whatever, 247 or whatever, he goes "right, i've clocked that, i'll remember that". Ricky: No, definitely not. Karl: And then he goes "right, there's a lot of lipstick 'n that knocking about, a lot of make-up". Ricky: Right, okay... Steve: LET HIM FINISH! Ricky: NO, THERE'S NO WAY! Steve: LET HIM FINISH! Ricky: NO! BECAUSE STEVE YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN! Steve: LET HIM FINISH! Ricky: I KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN! IT'S RIDICULOUS! Steve: Let him finish! Karl: So he's there, and he's going "well, if it's there", so while she's messing about with the rabbit, he get's there, he's in front of the mirror, putting a little bit of lippy on... Ricky: YOU ARE, NO! Steve: LET HIM FINISH! Ricky: NO, I CAN'T, IT'S GONE TOO FAR! Steve: Turn Ricky's microphone off. Ricky: NO, IT'S GONE TOO FAR STEVE! Steve: You're mic's of Rick, he's finishing the story, turn mine off as well. Karl: So he's looking pretty good. Ricky: Oh, you didn't mention the mascara! Karl: He's looking alright, right, so it knows the code on the door, 247, right, so when she's sort of messing about with the rabbit, right, he goes "right, here's me chance", he's lookin good, 247 out the door, reception man's there, he goes "alright Kirsty? Steve: (laughs out loud) Ricky: DON'T TALK SHIT!