The guys are back after the Xmas break and Karl talks about his holiday in the volcanic dust island that is Lanzarote. Coach drivers taking diversions and themed attractions are also discussed.

Karl questions Ricky’s gay Chinese theory and comes up with his own Chinese fellas “facts”. Steve once again has a dig at the Lord of the Rings films and Ricky chats about his New Year party with Karl.

Ricky moans about Xmas telly and Karl makes an appearance in Planet of the Apes. He also talks about scorpions trying to kill beavers and this week’s Monkey News is about the Victorian Ape Woman.

Beavers, Scorpions and Souls

Karl: When I was on holiday, even though it was sunny outside and I had big holes to look at if I wanted to, I stayed in and watched Discovery there, watchin stuff about scorpions 'n that. Ricky: Yeah, what did you learn? Karl: Nothin, coz it was all in Spanish. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: But I just watched it and what I found out right... Ricky: (speaks pretend Spanish) Karl: What I don't understand is with scorpions, right, they have like this sort of weapons, they have the poison 'n stuff, right, which can kill a man but there was a couple of the little animals 'n that, that were its sort of its enemy and it stung them and it didn't kill 'em, so what's the point. Ricky: Well firstly not all scorpions kill a man, some of them... Karl: This one did, they said. Ricky: Yeah, they range from like bee stings to so much venom it can take down a horse on things like spiders and snakes and scorpions, so it depends, but a scorpion that will kill a man would kill a rabbit, so I don't know what you're talking about. Karl: No, it was a snake that it stuck its thing into and some sort of beaver and it was like running about. Ricky: (sniggers) Steve: There's nothing funny about that so why are we laughing? Ricky: Well the snake wasn't running about, was it. Karl: Well it was slithering about a bit. Ricky: Yeah, what was the beaver doing? Karl: It just sort of, I think it ate it in the end. Ricky: What, ate what? Karl: Ate the scorpion and just wandered off. Ricky: (laughs) Well it wasn't a beaver. Karl: Well there ya go, you've learned that. Ricky: Well it wasn't a beaver, there's no way it was a beaver. Karl: Alright, an otter. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: This is what you've pieced together from a show in Spanish. Karl: I'm just saying though, how come it can't kill somethin that small yet there's someone on holiday that's no sort of danger to that scorpion, we're not gonna harm it, right, and yet it can kill a man. Ricky: So you say but I don't believe it. Steve: Shut up Karl, shut up mate seriously, this is gobbledygook. Karl: Taught you something again though. Ricky: No, what have you taught us though, what is, what is that, what is the fact that's come out of that, a scorpion can kill a man but the beaver was dancing with a snake, then it ate it. Karl: You do that all the time though. Ricky: That's not a fact, that's not a fact. Karl: New Years Eve, I taught him somethin, right, about dead people. Ricky: No, this is what he taught me, I said you're talking shite, he said "they've found out your soul weighs an ounce". Steve: (laughs) Your soul. Ricky: Yeah, your soul weighs an ounce. Steve: Right, who found this out? Karl: I read it. Ricky: Your arsehole weighs an ounce. Steve: Yeah. Ricky: There's no such thing, a soul weighs an ounce, you're talking drivel. Karl: Alright. Ricky: So what did they do, they weighed someone who was alive and then we'll wait for you to die then we'll weigh you again, oh you've lost an ounce that must be your soul shooting off to heaven. Karl: It was someone who was really ill and they said "we can't do anything for you here but we've got a bit of an idea that we wanna do". Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: Stuck him on some scales, they said "right, you weigh 9 pounds and an ounce", or whatever coz he was wasting away, he died, 9 pounds. Steve: (laughs) Karl: Right. Steve: Fine, well that's proof, if proof be needed. Ricky: Talking shite.

Victorian Ape Woman

Karl: Monkey News, we might as well leave it. Steve: No, c'mon. Ricky: Do Monkey News. Karl: No, it's nothing great really. Steve: Is it worth playing the jingle, quickly? Karl: Go on then. Ricky: OH CHIMPANZEE THAT! MONKEY NEWS! Steve: 2004, 4, 4, 4, 4. Karl: It's about this woman monkey who was born in 1834, right, half monkey, half woman. Ricky: No, not true, impossible. Karl: It happened, apparently it was in the Daily Mail, right. Steve: (laughs) Okay. Karl: 'Victorian Ape Woman' was her name. Ricky: Yeah, "I christen this thing Victorian Ape Woman", "well we thought Sandra", "no, I'm calling it Victorian Ape Woman". Karl: She was about 4 foot. Ricky: No, didn't happen. Karl: She had lovely thick black hair on her head and on the back of her legs and her arms. Ricky: (laughs) Yeah. Karl: Alright. Ricky: Save stockings. Karl: Let's have a look. Ricky: And she didn't need a bustle bacause of her huge ape-like arse sticking out the back of her dress. Karl: She was good at reading and sewing. Ricky: Well good because they didn't have opposable thumbs. Karl: She could speak 3 languages. Ricky: Yes, human, monkey and monkey-human. Karl: 20 offers of marriage, does that annoy you Steve? Ricky: (laughs out loud) Absolute twaddle, more rubbish than your soul weighing an ounce. Karl: Let's leave it there then. Ricky: A Victorian Monkey Woman. Karl: Let's leave it there then. Ricky: See you next week with some more twaddle. Steve: I was worried we wouldn't have the old magic in 2004 but we're still talking shit, Merry New Year. Ricky: (laughs out loud)