Karl wonders what the purpose of butt plugs are, a listener calls in to explain. He also tells an appalling anecdote about a blind date he once went on.

Karl is fascinated by a documentary he saw about parasites and recounts the stories from the programme with added embellishment. He also gets confused about Peter the Great cutting his wife’s lover’s head off.

Karl gives his finest acting performance in “A Few Good Men” and the guys review demos sent in by bands. No proper Monkey News yet again but tells us about Donna Air letting a gorilla look after her baby.

Marrow

Ricky: When was the last time you went to a live experience? Karl: Well i've been to gigs but the one that springs to mind probably is when I first sort of tried a gig out, it wasn't a music one it was "Bottom". Ricky: (laughs) "Bottom!" What "Bottom" the live thing with... Steve: With Rick Mayell and Adrain Edmondson. Karl: Yeah, yeah. Ricky: When was that? Karl: Years ago, coz it was Manchester about, I dunno, 87 or 88 or somethin, and I was set up for like a blind date, right, this mate of mine set me up to see this girl. Ricky: So, what, you said "let's go to Bottom"? Karl: Well I didn't tell her, I just said "meet us at the Apollo". Ricky: I bet she was over the moon wasn't she? Karl: 8 o'clock, met her there. Steve: Romantic. Ricky: Going to see some middle-aged men running round in pants, brilliant. Karl: Well it's good, it's one of them things that afterwards you've got somethin to talk about, haven't ya, 'n stuff. Steve: Yeah. Ricky: So was it a good gig? Karl: Yeah it was alright, sort of bought her some Opal Fruits 'n that at the start of the night, think she liked that and then we watched "Bottom" then afterwards had a bit of a chat and then... Ricky: You didn't see her again then I take it? Karl: I woulda done right coz she was alright looking and everything but when we were chattin she said she had a problem with her marrow, marrow 'm that. Steve: She what? Karl: She had a problem with her marrow. Steve: She had a problem with her marrow? Karl: Yeah. Steve: You mean her bone marrow? Karl: Yeah. Ricky: Oh, I thought you meant she had one stuck up her fanny. Karl: No, just... Steve: (laughs) Thanks for that Rick, that's an image I can't get out of my head. Ricky: (laughs) Oh I see, a marrow, her marrow. Karl: And is that serious, that? Ricky: I think it's more serious than a problem with a marrow. Karl: With her marrow, with her marrow 'n that. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: It's an idea if you're bored with butt plugs. Ricky: (laughs) I love it! I love it! Everything he says, it's like something from 'Kez'. Karl: It's just that sort of thing... Steve: You didn't wanna go out with a girl who might be ill in some way. Karl: Well, yeah, I thought what's the point in spending time with her, spending money on her 'n stuff and then she's gonna die on me. Ricky: OH! Karl: No, no, but seriously, no but, you see this is what annoys me, you ask me to be honest, but I'm just saying what's the point in me getting upset 'n stuff. Ricky: No, but, it's not the, it's was the one thing you said "what's the point in spending money on her if she's gonna die anyway", you've gotta realise that's not a normal thing to say. Karl: No, but what's the point in getting to really like, to know, you know, knowing someone and thinking she's really nice, I wanna spend me life with her, it's good that she told me when she did. Ricky: (laughs) KARL! What, during 'Bottom'! This is the most amazing thing you've ever said. Steve: But what... Karl: But Steve don't you understand what I'm saying. Steve: But no, because, well firstly it's the assumption that she's gonna drop down dead. Karl: I'm not a doctor, I'm not a doctor, am I, I don't know what it means when you've got a problem with your marrow 'n that, but she looked pretty serious when she was talking about it, so I was like "oh". Ricky: Christ Almighty! Karl: I don't understand what's so bad about that. Ricky: Play a record. I'll explain to ya, during the break, play a record. Karl: The Libertines? Ricky: Yeah. Steve: If you're morally objectionable why not email ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. Ricky: (laughs) It's ok, he's an idiot.

Parasites

Ricky: Steve, I wanna talk to ya, I think it was, might have been Wednesday night, I was in the pub, phone goes, Karl goes "you watchin that thing about parasites?" Steve: Right. Ricky: I went "no I'm out", he went "oh, fella with a maggot in his head". Steve: Fella with a maggot in his head? Ricky: Yeah, and then he went "oh no, he's pulling it out now", I said "yeah, i'll get it, i'll get it, see you later", about 5 minutes later I get a message on my phone, beep beep, I look at it, it just says "oh no, there's a fella with a fish up his cock now". Steve: There's a fella with a fish up his cock. Ricky: Yeah. Steve: (laughs) Right, okay. Ricky: You wanna explain that Karl? Is it one of those little ones that swim up if you're havin a slash in the Amazon? Karl: Yeah. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: That's weird innit, but it was stuff like that, it started off with a ... Ricky: What does the fish do when it gets in there? Karl: Just sits there Ricky: Why, why? Karl: What else can it do? Ricky: No, but why does it go up there? Karl: I dunno, I didn't listen to that bit. Ricky & Steve: (laugh out loud) Karl: There's a bit, it started off with a fella who had a bit of meat and got a tapeworm inside him. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: And they grew it for however long and then it came out the end, it was about 70 foot long. Ricky: On purpose. Karl: Yeah, they did it on purpose, yeah, for the programme. Ricky: I think, yeah, probably slimming isn't it? Karl: Well I was thinking that, could, you know, I mean you're a fan of Wahler, could he purposely have about 8 of them? Steve: (laughs) What Rick Wahler? Karl: Yeah. Steve: It's a good idea. Karl: Coz they were saying how they eat, you know, a lot of stuff when they're in you. Ricky: Well they take enough so you don't die or nor do they, yeah, but I mean you've gotta keep taking them out, haven't ya, coz you'll still have the same weight, coz it's gotta go somewhere, so you'll have them in ya, what you gotta do is let them eat your meal then take 'em out. Steve: Do you think 'Wormwatchers' will catch on? Ricky: (laughs) Yeah. Karl: So anyway, that happened right, and there was the woman with the maggot in her head. Steve: A woman with a maggot in her head. Karl: Yeah, she went on holiday, it got in there somehow. Ricky: Stowaway. Karl: It was massive and the thing is she had a hole in her head and she's there being interviewed with the doctor like and you can see it just sort of sticking its head out, like d'you know when you see a cartoon with a maggot in an apple, and it looks out, it looks round like that. Steve: Yeah. Ricky: Why didn't they just take it out there and then? Karl: I think they could've done but the doctor's messin about, he's like well it's good for the show isn't it. Ricky: (laughs) Right that's libelous, that is libelous. Karl: But I find it weird, why not just grab it? Ricky: (laughs) Coz there must be a reason, there must be one of those medical reasons that you don't really know about Karl. Grab it! Karl: Right there's this fella and he was on his bike, right, cycling to work or whatever and he sort of sees this thing in the corner of his eye. Ricky: Literally in the corner of his eye or he saw it in his peripheral vision? Karl: He just said he saw something and he thought "what's that!" Ricky: Yeah. Karl: So he thought "oh, doesn't matter, whatever", and he stops off at a cafe, right, get a little scone and a tea or whatever and he goes in there and he's sat down and the waiter comes over, he says "yeah, what d'you want?", he says "i'll have a scone and a tea", he says "alright then", so he goes to get it, comes back, as he puts the tea and the scone down his face is like "what is that!", right, like a look of frightenedness on his face, right, drops the tea and legs it, so the fella's going "what, what, what?", so he legs it after the bloke and goes "what!", and he says "something came out your nose, that was massive". Ricky & Steve: (laugh out loud) Karl: Listen, it's all true coz people would've watched it, so don't start saying it didn't happen. Steve: Sorry I need to clarify, the guy... Ricky: (laughs) I don't believe he ran away, I don't believe he legged it, I don't believe he had a look of frightenedness on his face and I don't believe he said "somethin massive came out your nose", I don't even believe he had a cup of tea and a scone, these are the things that I think are embellished. Steve: But who had somethin that was coming out of his nose, the guy serving the scone? Karl: The one who was on the bike, who ordered the scone. Ricky: (laughs) Yeah but what was it, what was it that came out of his nose? Karl: Right, so he goes home and he thinks "I've gotta sort this out coz it's not good 'n that". Ricky: But what, it was out of his nose, you're telling me it poked out of his nose, it didn't come out. Steve: It just said "hello", then it... Karl: It was like the maggot in the head, it just popped its head out, had a look around then went back in. Ricky: (laughs) Why did the bloke drop the tea and run! Karl: Well it's weird innit. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: Alright, so he goes home. Karl: He goes home and he goes "oh, God", you know, so he sits in front of the mirror and he's sat there waiting, this thing comes out, again sort of looks round, goes back in again. Steve: No scones, not interested. Ricky: (laughs) Karl: Right, so he goes "i've gotta sort this out", he goes to the doctor's, he says to the doctor "i've got somethin up me nose, it just keeps coming out and having a look round, going back in again". Ricky: (laughs) Didn't say that. Karl: So the doctor's like "oh, I haven't heard of that before". Ricky: Didn't say that. Karl: So they're sat there, it does it again, the doctor looks, you know, frightened. Ricky: Runs away? Steve: Yeah, well he's got a look of frightenedness on his face. Ricky: He had a look of medical frightenedness, he dropped his stethoscope and legged it. Karl: No, he said "I know what it was", he said "you've got a leech up your nose", he had a leech about that long. Ricky: Well it's radio. Karl: Well how long is that? Ricky: 4 inches. Karl: 4 inches coming out of his nose, next time it stuck its head out he grabbed it, pulled it out, that's horrible though innit? Steve: Can I just remind people, let people know, when Karl was saying "it was about that long", Ricky said 4 inches, he was using his fingers. Ricky: Oh yeah, he didn't have his fella out, no. Steve: So he had a leech up his nose, how did he get a leech up his nose? Karl: Don't know, not that bothered about that bit. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: All the footage 'n stuff, brilliant programme. Ricky: Oh play a record.