Steve is annoyed by a Top Pop Culture Icons list which features The Office and is jealous of Ricky’s friendship with Jonathan Ross. He’s also embarrassed about the XFM poster in the underground which features himself and Ricky.

Lots of gay fella chat including gay meeting places and Karl being handed a card featuring the slogan “The Best Bum in W1”. Karl also has a fantastic idea that would save The Witness Protection Scheme millions of dollars.

Karl features in his second outing with Jack Nicholson this time in “One flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and tells a story about a monkey super hero.

Witness Protection

Ricky: D'you know what Witness Protection is? Karl: No, go on. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: Amazing. Ricky: It's when, supposing you were to give evidence against the Mafia, alright, you've done a job for them and you have to give evidence against them right... Karl: Right, if you're gonna do, I mean all I did was the two kids nicking a car, don't start messin with the Mafia. Ricky: No, listen, of course, no, imagine you were in the Mafia and you've got caught doing something but instead of going to prison for the rest of your life you say "well I can give you Mr Big", yeah, so they go "ok, give us Mr Big and we'll let you off", right. Steve: I got handed this leaflet in Soho. Ricky: (laughs) So you say "ok, i'll give you names", they say "right, will you give evidence in court?", and you go "yeah", and they go "right, we'll have to get you away coz you'll be done for, so you give us all the names for Mr Big, right, we'll give you a new identity, a new passport, we'll let you go and live in Canada for the rest of your life with Suzanne", right. Karl: But why have I gotta do all that? Steve: Coz they'll bump you off won't they. Karl: How would they know it was me? Ricky: Because you have to give evidence in court, so they go "oh, Pilkington's squeeled". Karl: So you gotta change all your life? Ricky: Yeah. Karl: They've killed someone, yeah? Ricky: Well look, you just, you're giving them him to keep you from going to jail, so you don't want to spend the rest of your life in prison coz you were involved in somethin or whatever. Karl: But how... Ricky: IT DOESN'T MATTER! KARL, LISTEN! Karl: How would the Mafia know that I've said somethin? Ricky: Coz you say it in court "those are the people, he's Mr Big, he ordered the hit". Don't you know anything! Karl: It's a lot of messing around though, innit? Ricky: But... Karl: So I leave this job, yeah? Steve: (laughs) Yeah. Ricky: Yeah, I think they might try XFM first! Karl: I'd have to, what i'd have to bin Suzanne, would I? Ricky: No, she can come and live with ya. Steve: You'd have to cut off all you ties with your friends and family tho, you can't contact them, you've gotta leave them behind. Karl: Would she have to change her haircut? Ricky: (laughs) Steve: Possibly. Karl: When did the murder happen? Steve: (laughs) Yeah. So what would the new identity that you would chose, what would you chose for yourself? Ricky: What name? Karl: Probably, I wanted to be called Brett, when I was a kid. Steve: Okay. Ricky: Right, Brett what? Steve: Brett Pilkington. Karl: Erm, you gotta change your surname, yeah? Steve: (laughs) Yeah. Ricky: Yeah, maybe go ex-directory. Steve: Where would you move to? Karl: Erm, probably, probably back up north. Steve: Well, no... Ricky: No, don't do that, don't do that, can I suggest maybe Brett Hanson and go and live in Australia or Canada or somethin, maybe where they're not operating, you know, and they're just "forget it". Steve: You might have to change your identity as well, you might need to grow your hair, well you can't grow your hair, but maybe wear a wig or a moustache. Ricky: Yeah, what would you do, what would you wear? Karl: So like an afro or somethin? Steve: (laughs) Somethin like that. Ricky: That would be brilliant, that would be absoulutely brilliant. Karl: So I gotta do all that just because for 5 minutes I'm stood in a court and said "he's the one who did it". Steve: Yes. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: Well why can't, why can't I just wear the afro and the glasses when I'm in the court, say "me name's Brett", right, change me voice a bit "he did it", and they go thanks very much, I go off, I carry on me life, still come in here on Saturdays. Ricky: That's genius. Steve: I don't know why they haven't thought of that. Ricky: That is genius, why don't they do that, so you go "well I go to court as Brett Hanson, with an afro, and I talk like that, right and when I come out I'm back to Karl Pilkington, still talking like that but without the afro", that is perfect. Karl: Done. Ricky: Why don't you call the FBI and say "listen, I can save you billions of dollars a year", you're a genius Karl. Steve: Well done. Ricky: Brett, should I say.