Karl gets into more trouble with his girlfriend and get incredibly confused about a program he saw on Sky 1. Steve wants to go see Britney Spears but has to pass a gay test posed by Ricky.

Ricky and Steve chat about the tightness of footballer’s shorts which reminds Karl of the time he saw some male strippers in a club. He also messes up Rockbusters much to Ricky’s annoyance.

The guys discuss unfortunate place names which leads on to Karl participating in a little skit with Ricky about a family living on Butthole Road. This weeks Monkey News involves monkeys in internet chatrooms and Ricky wonders who the Swiss really wanted to win the war.

Karl's in Trouble

Ricky: Now you weren't speaking to Suzanne last week, this time, because you said, she had her hair cut, probably quite an expensive haircut, she's a lady in media, she's gotta look good, she probably doesn't go to the barber like you or just shave it at home, probably spent quite a little bit of money on it, she came home, she thought my sweetheart, my lover, my sweetheart, d'you know what I mean, the man in my life, he's gonna love this. Steve: Well he adores everything about me, he's gonna love my hair. Ricky: She walked in, "hello Karl", "alright, you look like Dave Hill from Slade", is what you said to the poor woman. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: And then talked about it on air, she was furious about that, so what did she do? Steve: Did she listen Karl? Karl: She did listen yeah, she wasn't happy. Steve: She heard you slagging her hair off. Karl: Yeah. Ricky: So this is probably annoying her now. Karl: Well no, it doesn't matter, we can do a lot today because she's at work. Ricky: (laughs) And of course no one's gonna tell her. Karl: Let's have a chat about her fat arse, shall we. Steve & Ricky: (laugh out loud) Steve: Oh dear, oh dear. Ricky: You are in so much trouble! Look he's realised, he is a little bit worried. Didn't you go and buy her a coat or somethin? Karl: Took her out on Sunday and treated her to a new coat 'n that, but I offered, I said as well, I said i'd pay to have it done again. Ricky: OH NO KARL! Oh God, oh my christ! Steve: So she listened to the show, what did she say, you got home, she'd heard you slagging her hair off. Ricky: Imagine that, he thinks that's a good thing, sort of like "we've won the pools, brilliant, what we doing?", "we'll you can have facial surgery now love". Steve: (laughs) Ricky: You offered to have it done again, unbelievable! Karl: Yeah, I got home and she's like being moody with me 'n that, right. Ricky: You thought "somethin's wrong, she must've listened to the show when I was slagging off her hair" Steve: Well his first thought was "she's probably looked at herself in the mirror, she agrees with me". Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, "that barber's been round again". Karl: And she just said "oh, that wasn't very nice of you, was it?", so I just said "hang on a minute", I said "that's what we do on the show, when I'm slagging off Chinese people looking old or whatever you never interfere". Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: Sure, she gotta get her priorities right. Ricky: I love the fact that she's in the same queue as a billion people you've never met, that's fantastic, she's in the same queue.

There's Something About Miriam

Karl: When you were talking just now about the gay stuff, right, I don't know if you saw the thing the other week about the fella who's on that quiz show. Ricky: Who? Steve: Alright, okay. Karl: Sort of gay fella, straight, sort of man, man woman. Ricky: What are you talking about? Tell me the, what did you see? Tell me what you saw, this is like a kid come running in, he's seen somethin frightening, it could be an alien, it could be a ghost, it could be a peodophile, and you've got to get actually what he saw out of him, right what did you actually see? Karl: It's just this fella who is a woman. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: Right, right, okay, try and talk like a human being. Karl: It's a quiz show that's coming on the tele and it's this woman... Ricky: Right, is it a fella who's a woman or is it a woman? Karl: A bit of both, that's why I'm talking about it. Ricky: But what do you mean! Is it a pre-op, is it a transexual, a transvestite, a ladyboy, is it a hermaphrodite, what is it! Karl: I'm telling you about it. Ricky: Well tell me! Karl: I'm tellin ya, it's a woman, well it's a man. Steve: (laughs out loud) Ricky: OH FOR FFF! OH FORGET IT! PLAY A RECORD! Karl: Listen. Ricky: What! Karl: It, it's... Ricky: It! Karl: It is a man, he is a man, well... Steve & Ricky: (laugh out loud) Ricky: OH CHRIST'S SAKE! Karl: It's a tv programme where they've got this... Ricky: Transvestite on television? Karl: It is a tranvestite yeah, but the problem is, i'll tell you coz you don't know about it, the programme is... Ricky: I still don't know about it, I don't know anything about it still, "woman, man, man, woman, man, woman, tv, tv programme, look tv". Karl: No it's a man who is now sort of half a woman. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: (laughs) A man who is now half a woman! Karl: Well this is what's weird about it, he's got the top half but not the bottom half sorted out. Ricky: You mean he's got breasts and a wig but he's still got his boys downstairs? Karl: Why would he do that? Ricky: His captain and the boys are still there in his y-fronts but upstairs he's got a lovely pair of dumplings. Karl: Why do that? Ricky: Well, he's half way through. Karl: But why not get it done in one go? Steve: Maybe he couldn't afford it. Karl: But wait until you've got all the money, that just looks a mess. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: And who's he pleasing there? Ricky: Well he wakes up in the morning and pleases himself, he can't believe his luck, he doesn't know where to start. Karl: No but what I don't understand, you know I don't want to seem... Ricky: Well, could I just finish that sentence, what you don't understand is just about everything.