Karl isn’t coping well with the summer heat and there’s more nudism chat. He also has some views on certain camera angles at the Olympics.

There’s been so much cock chat recently they have decided to name the feature “Knob News”. This week a woman who found a penis in her goulash and a man borrowing money from his mum for a penis enlargement operation.

Karl comes up with a mental “Songs of Phrase” and enquires what would happen if you jumped through the Earth. Steve and Ricky discuss the judges on “Pop Idol” and Karl laughs hysterically on air.

Bird Muck

Karl: Well you were just talking about bird muck. Steve: (laughs) What a classy show this is, I imagine someone just havin a barbecue tuned into this. Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, "can you turn the radio off, he's just talking about cumming out of a window again darling, it's putting me off me sausages". Karl: No I was walking down the street and this pigeon, sparrow, whatever, did it's thing and it landed on me ear and I was like "oh God", so I thought well I'm not gonna wipe it off. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Why not! Karl: Coz I don't wanna get it on me hands, I thought I'd leave it till I get home. Steve: So you went to work. Ricky: (laughs) Met some friends. Steve: (laughs) Yeah, went on the pull. Ricky: (laughs out loud) So I was best man, so after the speeches, that is brilliant. Karl: It was on there for about, I dunno, half an hour or somethin like that. Ricky: Brilliant. Steve: Didn't it sort off slowly ooze down your neck? Karl: No, no, it was fairly hard and it sort of corroded me ear. Steve: (laughs) What are you talking about? Ricky: (laughs) Oh God, why did you leave it there though, why didn't you just wipe it off with somethin? Steve: Pop in a newsagent, buy some tissues. Karl: But then I'd look stupid. Steve: Whereas the bird muck on your ear! Ricky: Brilliant, they're all wearing that now, it's alkaline, really strongly alkaline isn't it, or is it acidic, I don't know, maybe someone knows, is bird muck acidic or alkaline, but it's corrosive yeah. Karl: Weird innit, weird. Ricky: Weird innit. Steve: It didn't seep into your brain? Ricky: (laughs)

A Little Gang

Karl: Right, they were filming a documentary right, this tele company, doin a documentary. Ricky: Who, which one, which one? Karl: Dunno. Ricky: No, right, what was the documentary about? Karl: About monkeys. Ricky: Yeah, where was it? Karl: Africa. Ricky: Right, when was this? Karl: Haven't got a date. Ricky: Recently though, since the advent of television obviously. Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, actually a bit of extra monkey news if you wannit. Steve: Ok, always. Karl: Do you know... Ricky: "Monkey News Extra!", go on. Karl: Do you know the Halfords ads? Steve: Halfords ads? I don't think so, what happens? Karl: Halfords, you know, they sell nuts and bolts n' stuff. Steve: Right. Karl: They were using monkeys in the ads. Steve: Ok, yeah, and what happened, don't theys sell bikes, Halfords? Karl: (laughs) Well... Steve: Bicycles and motorbike stuff n' that. Karl: (laughs) Steve: Yeah, so they were using monkeys in the adverts, what happened? Karl: (laughs) I can't handle it, I can't do this, look at him. Steve: What? I don't care what he's doin. Karl: Well basically right, there was a load of hassle because they were using these monkeys in this Halfords advert. Steve: Yes, and what happened? Get to the point! Karl: It turned out there wasn't a problem because they were mechanics in the first place. Steve: What, they were monkey mechanics? Karl: Yeah. Steve: What are you talking about? Karl: Mental. Steve: What are you talking about, that's not a story! Karl: Well anyway, let's get back onto... Steve: They were mechanics in the first place! Karl: Right, listen, so they were making this documentary, right, and they stumble across a little gang of erm, a little gang...(laughs) Ricky: (laughs) Go on! Steve: Get on with it please. Karl: A little gang of monkeys, that's the first time I've ever laughed on air that. Steve: Well brilliant, what d'you want, a cake? Karl: (laughs) Steve: C'mon. Karl: (laughs) Can we play a song? Steve: Urgh, I don't understand what is wrong with you, you freak. Karl: It's making me laugh. Steve: (laughs) Just tell us the story. Karl: Alright then, alright, so anyway there's this documentary being made, they found a little gang of monkeys...(laughs) Steve: (laughs out loud) Right, play a song, I don't know what's goin on here, I apologise. (they play a record) Ricky: "Gotta Hide You're Love Away" according to The Beatles on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant, right Karl, c'mon, Monkey News. Karl: Right, where were we? Steve: Everyone's composed, the jingle please. Ricky: Ooh Chimpanzee That! Monkey News! Steve: (laughs) Excellent. Karl: Right, where were we? Steve: Just start again, there were some people making a documentary. Karl: They were making a documentary in the jungle n' that, stumble across a little gang... Steve: Ok, c'mon, a little gang of monkeys? Karl: Yeah. Ricky & Karl: (laugh) Steve: C'mon. Karl: So the camera crew are there filmin it, everythin's goin normal, nothin odd about it. Steve: Ok, they're not running a restaurant, they've not got any barber shops, just regular monkeys going about their business. Karl: Yeah, so anyway, what normally happens is the monkeys stick with a partner...(laughs) Ricky: (laughs) Steve: They normally do what? Karl: They don't sort of sleep around n' that, once they find the girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever they stick with 'em, right, but anyway they were watching this one right and it's goin around a bit, sleepin around, and it was gettin fatter, they thought this is a bit odd, so they followed it round and see it havin it away, turns out, little prostitute... Ricky & Steve: (laugh out loud) Steve: It's a little monkey prostitute. Karl: It was gettin fatter coz it was charging them bananas. Ricky & Steve: (laugh out loud) Steve: (laughs) What a load of old rubbish. Ricky: (laughs) Charging them bananas! What was it a boy or a... Karl: Woman, little woman monkey. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: That's the most extraordinary Monkey News I've ever heard. Ricky: Oh, that is genius! Steve: Has this documentary been televised? Karl: Don't think it's been on yet. Steve: And that's all the information you've got? Karl: Yeah. Steve: And that's one banana for everything? Ricky: No, half a banana is for a paw job, if you want full blown monkey sex it is two and a half bananas. Steve: Sure, sure. Karl: Let's just play a song.