Ricky hurts his back wrestling during the week and Steve is worried about the fax machine industry. Steve lists the things you can’t do if you wear spectacles and brings in his new prescription sunglasses.

The guys discuss tattoos and this week’s “Cheeky Freak of the Week” is about Siamese twins involved in a road accident. Karl also talks about “The Lobster Man”.

Karl’s ideal dinner guests include Elvis and Peter Kay, this week’s Monkey News involves a monkey driving a car to Spain. Steve squeeze’s Karl’s head for the first time.

Siamese Lad

Karl: The little Cheek of the Freak that we've gone for... Ricky: (laughs) The what? Karl: The little Freak of the Week, Cheeky Freak of the Week, we've gone for this Siamese Lad. Steve: Okay. Ricky: (laughs) You can't have a Siamese lad can you. Karl: Alright, yeah, Siamese twins, happened back in 1693. Steve: Oh he's got a date, blimey! That's the first time ever. Karl: And all it was, he was doing alright for himself, he's used to go on like those circus things they used to do. Ricky: They're two people you're talking about Karl, stop going him. Karl: Alright then. Ricky: They! Karl: They, they did this circus show right, and everything's going well, you know they're selling out the tents n' stuff, people are coming to see them, he was doing alright for himselves. Ricky: Sorry, before I said that did you think that a Siamese twin was a man with two heads? Karl: Well it can be can't it, it depends. Ricky: They're two people, they're conjoined. Karl: No, no, no, but it depends dunnit, the one that I showed you in that book that time was a fella with two heads. Ricky: No it wasn't, that was a stupid picture in one of your stupid books, that he had a growth that looked a little bit like it had a face on it, it wasn't a man with two heads, you're the same sort of people who send potato chips to Esther Rantzen and say "doesn't it look like Norman Cook", it's not two heads. Karl: We'll bin this feature. Ricky: No! They're two people, they're two people, conjoined twins, right so.... Steve: They just happen to have a similar taste in clothes. Ricky: (laughs) Karl: So anyway they were doing alright and it all went wrong when he crossed the road got run over, the lad with 2 heads got run over, that's it. Steve: (laughs) What! How is that Cheeky Freak of the Week? Karl: Just because it got my interest and I kinda thought why didn't he look both ways. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Why wasn't he looking both ways! Steve: I'm intrigued to know how you get run over, what was it 1629? Karl: Yeah, well it was horses n' that, winnit. Steve: Yeah. Ricky: Oh, why wasn't he looking both ways, Karl Pilkington you are a genius, play a record you fool.

Moroccan Monkey

Ricky: Oh chimpanzee that, monkey news, Karl Pilkington. Steve: (laughs) Brilliant, nice to hear that, haven't heard that for a couple of weeks. Ricky: Go on then. Karl: Right, so it's about this little monkey, he lives in Morocco. Ricky: Right, i'll just warn you now, you're on thin ice from last time, okay so make sure is this real, think about it, as you're saying it think to yourself "is that true, do monkeys do that, do they think like that?", so go on then. Karl: So anyway, yeah, so there's this magician in Morocco, right, he's got a little monkey working with him, right, the way it used to work, the magician used to do his thing on stage, do a little bit of magic, people loved it, then the monkey came out, had a little cap, walked around the crowd n' stuff, got the money, had a good little team thing going on right. Steve: Yeah. Karl: So anyway the monkey's name was 86, coz back then there were so many monkeys it was like oh what name, d'you know what I mean, what name do I use. Ricky: What he has 86 other monkeys? Karl: No, no, no, it's just that a lot of monkeys were sort of working back then helping the magicians out, you know doing bits and pieces, busking, what have you. Ricky: But why would there be a confusion if he only had one monkey, where's the confusion, people would go "I'm not gonna go see that, I wanna see 86, he's the better monkey", d'you know what I mean, what does it matter? Karl: I don't know what you mean. Ricky: Well why do they need, where was the confusion with people going to the circus and going "what monkey are you going to see tonight?", it wasn't a billing was it with the monkey. Steve: But Rick it's the same with humans, you know there are so many humans now that we can't give them names anymore, they all have to have numbers. Ricky: Exactly, yeah there's so many humans, you know with 5 billion people we can't give them names, it's impossible, but you know with a few monkeys working. Steve: Anyway number 122, go on. Karl: So anyway, so there he is. Steve: 86. Karl: 86. Steve: With his hat. Karl: With his hat, walking around getting the money, anyway the magician sort of, you know, thinking about moving on, coz in Morocco he'd sort of done all the tourist traps, so he had a word with the monkey... Steve & Ricky: (laugh) Ricky: See, think. Steve: No, let him continue. Ricky: He didn't have a word with the monkey. Steve: Let him continue. Karl: "So what do you think about going over to Spain?" Ricky: (laughs) God. Steve: Sure, so the monkey was in agreement? Karl: So he said "aye, go on then", right, so they get in the car and the magician knew he'd have a bit pf a problem on his hands coz you're not meant to take monkeys out the country, right, so he thought what i'll do, i'll get a car, right, stick the monkey in the boot, right, get in the boat and hopefully you know stick it in some luggage or what have ya, we'll be over there, we'll be earning big money, everything's gonna be great, the monkey's like "brilliant!", so they get in the car, they're on their way to the boat and pull over at a petrol station, just before filling up he opens up the boot and he goes "are you alright in there?", and it's like "yeah, yeah". Steve: (laughs) Of course it does. Karl: He leaves the boot open so it can breathe and get a bit of fresh air while he's filling up, goes in to pay the money, pays the money... Ricky: Right, this monkey is not gonna drive away in that car or we're never doing this feature again. Steve: (laughs) Karl what happens, what's number 86 up to? Karl: (laughs) So, 86, so.... Ricky: That's the ending isn't it, that's the story. Steve: C'mon let Karl finish the story. Ricky: Right, it better not be, it better not be. Karl: Brilliant, brilliant, you're gonna love it, so he's in the petrol station and he's going "right, i'll pay for pump 4". Ricky: "Pump 4, isn't that a monkey?", "no, sometimes I use numbers for monkeys sometimes I use, no I mean pump 4". Steve: Sure. Karl: The fella goes "what you talking about, there's no car at pump 4". Ricky: Right! Steve: Keep going! Karl: He sticks his head out the door, the monkey's giving it some, went over to Spain on its own. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: Steve, I don't know what to do. Steve: Hang on, let's just get a couple of the facts right. Ricky: What do you mean a couple of the facts right? There are no facts! Steve: So number 86, he drove to Spain? Ricky: Honestly Karl you must know... Karl: It was an automatic. Ricky: Right, Karl you must know that is shit, there is no way a monkey... Karl: It's mad innit, that's the thing with this feature though, it's mental. Steve: It would get stopped at customs, how did it get through customs Karl? Karl: No, no, he was sneaking about coz it didn't have a passport. Steve: So he parked and then snuck through? Karl: D'you want the facts? Steve: Let me see it, right i'll examine this Rick and we'll play a record. Ricky: Play a record, that's nearly as bad as the armed robbery, right, go on, play a record. Karl: Bit of Suede? Ricky: Yeah, my favourite. Karl: One of 86's favourites. Ricky: (laughs)