Ricky is upset that they won nothing at the Sony’s and tries to figure out who the weak link is between them. He also comes up with new ideas involving degrading Karl.

Ricky wants to make a behind the scenes reality TV programme about the making of the shows and Chris Martin pops in to give an in depth interview. Steve comes up with an embarrassing scenario involving a pen and is amused by the name Gerald Preston.

Karl talks about his family’s attitude towards farting and remembers crapping in a corner of his kitchen when he was a kid. He ends the show by giving possibly his worst insult directed at Steve.

Dickers

Steve: I don't think our number one fan Dickie Anders, Richards Anders was on the panel although he has emailed in. Ricky: Go on. Steve: He has got a couple of thoughts. Ricky: What is Dickers doing man? Steve: Dickers says "commiserations on not winning a Sony, I can't believe you didn't win, I mean apart from your shows obvious lack of quality and effort, having a monkey for a producer, offering the biggest load of tat as competition prizes, saying hairy Chinese kid 48 times every show, rockbusters, not bothering to turn up for weeks on end, only having 3 listeners, introducing the comedy characters Camp David and Harry Fuk, which I think he's spelt wrong there, Steve Merchant", I'm not a character! Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: "Apart from insulting every race, religion and sexual orientation, bickering like school girls"... Ricky: We haven't done every one yet, we have not insulted everyone yet, there's loads to go. Steve: "Despite the fact you generally bring misery into the lives of anyone who listens I thought you were sure fire winners, better luck next year" Ricky: Well. Steve: I mean a couple of constructive criticisms there but generally I still can't nail it.

Mattress

Karl: When we bought our first flat in Manchester, right, I bought a bed, right, we didn't have much money and what annoyed me is I bought the bed and it turned up and I said "where's the mattress?", and they said "well you don't get a mattress with the bed, you gotta buy that seperately", and I was like well, that's not a bed then, so I didn't have any more money, Suzanne's at work so I thought well I don't wanna stress her out at work n' that, telling her we haven't got a mattress for the bed, had a word with me dad, right, he knew a mate who had one in the back of a van, right, he said "i'll have a word with him, he'll let you have it", got the van, brought it round, stunk of diesel n' that but I thought it's free, it'll do... Ricky: (laughs) Stunk of diesel! Karl: They brought it up, I stuck it in the spare room, Suzanne got home, she looked at the bed, she said "that looks alright", she said "where's the mattress?", I said "it's in the next room" but I thought I won't tell her coz she won't like the idea, she went in, the room stunk of petrol fumes n' that, she said "what's going on?" Ricky: (laughs) Karl: I said "well, a mattress didn't come with the bed, so I've sorted you one out, I got this off me dad", and we didn't have one night on it, she said "get rid of it". Steve: Yeah. Karl: I had to go and ditch it. Steve: I don't know what she was thinking, one of your father's friends is driving around in a van with a mattress in the back. Ricky: Yeah, what is he a serial killer? Steve: (laughs) I mean, and she didn't wanna sleep on it? Ricky: Like something from "Silence of the Lambs". Steve: What kind of a cheapskate is she, what kind of a woman is she that she won't sleep on a mattress that has been in the back of a transit van? Ricky: Yeah, covered in petrol, diesel, probably urine and christ knows what else.

Farting

Karl: At that Sony's night, right, you've got a lot of respectable people going to that thing, you know poeple who are high up at the BBC n' that. Ricky: Yeah. Karl: You know it's a posh night, there's people there with dinner jackets on n' stuff, and then I went to the toilet for a wee, old fella in there, thought he looks like he's been in the radio game for years, probably done loads of award winning Sony stuff, you know all the BBC documentaries they're doing, all the in depth stuff and I thought I wonder if i'll be like him when I'm older, I wonder if i'll be as good as him, thinking all that he's havin a wee in the next urinal, farts! Steve: (laughs out loud) Ricky: I know, yeah. Karl: He just farts. Steve & Ricky: (laugh out loud) Karl: Old fella in a dinner jacket, probably hired. Ricky: They try to, they think "right, I better do it in here", and it's sort of like a trumpet and everyone just goes "yeah, that's fine, what's up with that?", I know what you mean, it's the arrogance of doing it. Karl: He just did it, it sounded like a lost whale. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: And he didn't sort of go "oh", and try and clinch it, it carried on, and then he went "oh that was a good one". Ricky: Really! Karl: Old fella, must have been about 70. Ricky: Oh dear. Steve: Well better out than in. Karl: But it's not though, I wasn't brought up like that you see. Steve: Right. Karl: Coz I never really did it that much as a kid. Steve: Sure, sorry you never really did that much as a kid, what farting? Karl: Yeah. Steve: Okay. Ricky: We are taping this for next year's Sony Awards, we're taping this what we're talking about now, aren't we, to hand in, go on. Karl: But I was at me mam and dads right, and Suzanne was sat on the floor in front of me and she was like "rub me neck, it's hurting", and I hate doing that, it bores me. Steve: Well she's your girlfriend for goodness sake. Ricky: I know, Dale Winton is different, you're getting paid for that, go on. Karl: So I thought the only way to shift her, i'll let one go right. Ricky: (laughs) I love that. Steve: It's such a loving relationship. Ricky: (laughs) I love that, that's great, like doing the washing up badly, she won't ask me again, "what have you done?", "I've smashed the cups up, written in excrement across the wall", "well that's no good", "isn't it, well I won't do it again then". Steve: "Give me the marigolds, i'll do it". Ricky: "I've nailed the cat to the fridge, what's up with that?", go on. Karl: So I did that and it worked, she sort of got up and said "oh", and me dad said "what've you done that for?", so I said "oh I hate rubbing her neck, does me head in", so he says "d'you know I've never trumped in front of your mother for 40 years". Steve: (laughs) Ricky: Sorry, where was this, Chigley? Why is this family talking like this? "Young Karl, I've never trumped in front of your mother in 35 years". Steve: (laughs) Ricky: Why, what, I dont know what... Karl: No it's just that he said "you know, we've done a lot of things in the family...". Ricky: Hold on! Why did he say that for? What he's never trumped in front of your mother. Steve: He just offered that information up? Karl: Well he was just was surprised that I did it, he said "where have you got that from?" Ricky: (laughs) Well, your lower intestines I would have thought, imagine there's a class for farting, "oh we haven't told our kids about farting, he doesn't do it, we haven't told him about it, we haven't, no, we don't do it", you don't have to learn it do ya. Karl: No, no, but there's a place, that's what I was always told. Ricky: Go on. Karl: There's a place for that. Ricky: Cornwall. Steve: (laughs) Karl: And me mam, you know it's the same, she doesn't do it. Ricky: Right. Karl: If she goes to the toilet to, you know, do what you gotta do, she'll sort of say things like "are you going out for a walk?" Steve & Ricky: (laugh out loud) Steve: Are you going out for a walk? Ricky: (laughs) Does she know that your broadcasting this? Steve: She's probably round at the neighbours now listening, "any of you going out for a walk?" Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: So she waits until everyone's left or? Karl: She doesn't like the thought that everyone, d'you know that cats don't like you staring at them when they're doing it. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: I've never stared at a cat when it was doing anything. Karl: Have you ever had a pet cat? Ricky: What d'you mean, yeah, go on, go on. Karl: It's just that cats, you know, if you get them a little litter tray, I remember being told, now when it does use it don't sort of go and look at it, coz it's puts it off, I was the same as a kid. Ricky: (laughs) Who comes and looks at you when your on the bog? Karl: No, no, when I was a kid and I was in a nappy, right, I used to always, like there was a corner in the kitchen that I'd always go to and everyone would be like... Ricky: Why didn't you go to the toilet? Karl: Coz I had a nappy on. Ricky: Oh yeah, how old were ya? Steve: 14th birthday? Karl: About 3 or something and I used to always go to this corner and everyone said "right he's going to the corner, don't watch, don't stare at him". Ricky & Steve: (laugh out loud) Ricky: The thing is I can so imagine you coz you've got the same head. Steve: Yeah he looks like a baby. Ricky: (laughs) It's a baby's head, ok would you put a nappy on for 50 quid? Karl: Now? Ricky: Yeah, you'll just be sitting doing your work, right. Karl: Well anyway... Steve: Just sitting in the corner. Ricky: (laughs) Karl: I'm not doing that, right, me mam's like that, and something else she's... Ricky: At a dinner party, everyone's going "that's Mrs Pilkington just in the corner, don't look at her". Steve: Yeah, "don't look at Mrs P". Ricky: "She's just in the corner of our kitchen, just look away", "what's she doing?", "she's just doing her business, there she is squating", "are you going for a walk?" Steve: (laughs) Sorry, you were saying Karl. Karl: Another trick I've learned from her, right, if you're using say a friend's toilet or somethin and you don't want to leave your mark... Ricky: Go down the toilet and flush it. Karl: Use a, take a box of matches with ya... Ricky: (laughs) Set fire to the curtains. Steve: (laughs) Set fire to the curtains, cause a distraction. Ricky: Burn the place down, have a wonderful crap and just leave when the fire brigade get there. Karl: Oh forget it. Steve & Ricky: (laugh out loud)