Ricky admits he went too far last week so there are some new rules in place including not squeezing Karl’s head unless it’s on air! Karl talks about the child who was older than her mum and wonders whether she would get served in an off license.

The guys met up with Derren Brown, Karl reckoned he could outwit him with obvious results and compares his methods to that of Hitler’s! Karl breaks the law on air by opening a letter not addressed to him.

Steve reads from an astrology book which has a very accurate description of Karl. Classic “Monkey News” this week about a chimp involved in a bank robbery.

90 Year Old Girl

Ricky: I was with Karl in the week, think it was Tuesday or Wednesday, was it last week, there was a programme on about the child that was older than her mum. Steve: The child that was older than her mum. Ricky: Yeah, he was lookin forward to as much as "Oliver the Humanzee", and I didn't see it in the end, did you miss it as well? Karl: I missed it. Ricky: What it is, a little girl she's got an aging thing, so he's telling me about this, this is all from him, he went "and what it is, right, she's about 5, right, but she's aged so she's actually 90". Steve: (laughs) Right. Ricky: And I went "oh god, really", and he went "yeah", and then he went "could she get served in an off license?" Steve: (laughs) Ricky: I went "no", he went "well that's not fair", I went "what do you mean?", I said "she's 5 years old, she's a 5 year old girl", he went "yeah but she's got the body of a 90 year old so let her have a fag". Steve: (laughs) Karl: Wouldn't you let her have one if she... Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: If she asked. Karl: Yeah, if you worked in an off license and she wandered in, right, and... Ricky: So she's 2 foot 6. Karl: Well I don't know coz I haven't seen it, I don't know that much about it. Ricky: Yeah, she's a five year old girl, she's 2 foot 6, it's just an aging process which is a degenaration of the cells, what aging is, it doesn't mean she grew into a 90 year old woman with a scarf going round the streets. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: What did you imagine it looked like? Karl: I don't know, she's aging fast yeah? Ricky: Yes but it's more to do, yes, yeah. Karl: Coz it was saying her mam and dad are pretty stressed out about it, and I kinda thought well you'd be forever buying birthday presents. Steve & Ricky: (laugh) Steve: It's not like she's morphing through various ages, "my god look she's 58 today, 59, we can't keep up", it's not that. Ricky: It has the same effect as aging on the body, so at a cellular level, there's a degenaration as quick as if she'd gone through, I don't know, I got this from you, I'm guessing Karl. Steve: It's not like she's watching Top of the Pops one week and she's loving it and the next week she's going "I can't understand what they're saying, this is not like music in my day". Ricky: Yeah, "this is all bland dance, I remember when I was 4 and a half there were real bands". Steve: "Now that S Club 7 were excellent but what's this tripe S Club". Karl: But if she wants a fag... Steve: She's 5 years old Karl! Karl: But she's gotta experience everything in a short spell of time, d'you know what I mean, you've got time to sort of... Steve: I think you're thinking of her life like that Fat Boy Slim video, where it starts of something crawling out of the sea and then it evolves really quickly over 3 minutes, that's not the case Karl, she isn't aging in her mind at the same time, she's not living a life, a whole life in like, you know, 3 weeks, it's just her body is degenarating quicker than it should. Karl: So if you worked in Oddbins you wouldn't serve her with a bottle of wine. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: No I probably wouldn't, unless she had some ID. Ricky: That's a bit cruel innit, on top of all her other problems he wouldn't even give her a glass of wine. Karl: And her ID wouldn't look right coz she's aging all the time Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: The photo would never match. Steve: Yeah, "look at my hair there, well it was last week". Ricky: "Well it was 2002". Steve: Exactly. Ricky: Oh dear. Karl: We don't know enough about it. Ricky: No I haven't seen it so maybe we should apologise coz that could sound callous and cruel coz I don't don't know the whole vibe... Karl: It was just the title. Ricky: Yeah I know it was the title that excited you. Steve: What was the title? Karl: It was something like "I'm older than me mam". Ricky: No it's "The child that was older than her mother". Karl: Yeah, well, there was some good stuff on in the week. Steve: You missed that though didn't you? Karl: Didn't see that. Ricky: Maybe someone will have it on video for you. Karl: Yeah, if you taped it, you know send it in. Steve: Watch it on fast forward, she'd really age then, imagine that, whoa! Ricky: (laughs) Karl: Well we've got some weird stuff to talk about though, coming up later. Ricky: What? Karl: Darren Brown. Steve: That was interesting. Ricky: I love the fact that we've just talked about him asking me nicely not to squeeze his head when people are around and the girl who ages so quickly she should be served in Oddbins but he goes "we've got some weird stuff coming up". Steve: (laughs) That's Karl's world.

Monkey Robbery

Karl: Today's story, was emailed in. Ricky: So you didn't do anything towards it, so when you say you've been working on monkey news, you printed that out. Steve: So is the making of monkey news you checking your email? Ricky: Brilliant. Karl: Well I'm always looking at different options, you know how much is going on. Ricky: This is what makes me laugh when he says he's really busy, "I'm doing other stuff, I'm doing other stuff". Steve: People are sending him monkey news. Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get an email. Steve: Is it from Reuters? Karl: Well listen it's from Steve, now what is is there's this monkey, right, don't know where it was, but there's a bit before the monkey anyway, right. Ricky: Jeez, shoot me. Karl: No listen, right, there's a bank, busy bank, normal day, everything's going normal, right, busy bank, people going in, doing what they do, seeing about mortgages n' stuff, everything's normal, everyone's happy, right, so anyway it's quite busy one day, fella comes in, with a gun and a balaclava on. Steve: Ooof, up to no good. Ricky: Right, I'm telling you now Karl, if this fella turns out to be any ape or monkey related species, you're never doing this again, if you want to finish it, it's at your own risk, but if this fella who robbed a bank turns out to be a chimpanzee, that's the end of monkey news. Karl: Alright. Steve: Okay, let's hear the end, it's lovely day and a lovely bank, everyone's happy. Karl: Everything's normal. Steve: A man comes in a balaclava. Karl: A man comes in, starts waving a gun around. Ricky: Is it a man? Steve: Shut up Rick, let him finish the story. Karl: Starts waving a gun around. Steve: Yeah, up to no good. Karl: So everyone's thinking oh god, you know, wish I didn't come in here, it's not gonna be a good day. Ricky: How tall was the man? Steve: Shut up, let's hear it. Karl: You know, oh god, he's telling everyone to get down on the floor. Ricky: In what, in English? Karl: Yeah, so everyone's panicking, everyone's getting on the floor thinking this is it, it's all over, just when you think, you know, it's all bad news, doors swing open, little monkey wanders in... Ricky: Oh god, it's worse. Steve: Shut up, Rick. Karl: Little monkey wanders in, right. Steve: (laughs) Karl: The robbers like "whats going on here!", he's telling it to get down on the floor, I don't think it's taking any notice. Steve: No, it was just busy asking for coffee. Karl: It runs in, I don't know if it was withdrawel or deposit. Steve: (laughs) Karl: It wanders in, goes up to the robber... Ricky: Where did it come from! Steve: Shut up, will you let him finish the story then ask questions, that's only fair. Ricky: Okay, okay. Karl: Wanders in, runs up to the fella witht the gun, takes the gun and the bag of money off him, everyone's like "yeahhh, we've been saved", then the monkey starts backing out with the gun and the money... Steve: (laughs) Ricky: I'll see you later. Steve: Shut up, sit down, sit down. Ricky: No, I'm not havin this. Steve: Let's hear the end of the story. Karl: It does a runner with the money and the gun, no one's seen it since. Ricky: You are an idiot, I mean you have said some stupid things in your time, what are you talking about? Karl: It's a story that happened. Ricky: No! What are you talking about? What d'you mean it backed out, it came in, was it an accomplice, was it an opportunist monkey robbery, what are you talking, think Karl, think! Karl: I know it's mad, that's the idea of monkey news, telling people how monkeys are pretty, you know, they're mental. Steve: They're up to no good. Ricky: What are you, think! They've never seen the monkey since, what did he have a getaway car waiting, did he swing his way to freedom? Where was this, there's no details, don't talk rubbish!