Karl talks about the time he read the telephone directory whilst bored in an Edinburgh hotel and explains how the microwave was invented. He also tells a story about a monkey…..

Steve probes Karl about a letter from the Dear Deidre section of The Sun about a woman having lots of sex with her husband thanks to Darius from Pop Idol. Karl reveals that he wouldn’t be bothered if he became impotent.

Karl tells an anecdote about the time the doctor said he was going to die due to eating too many jam doughnuts and an old woman’s tumour turns out to be a pork chop.

Tell us about this monkey Karl

Ricky: Tell us about this monkey Karl. Karl: You're gonna love this one Steve, yeah so last week we were talking about how a like a lad left his family because there was problems at home n' that, and he went and lived in the wood, he got hairy. Ricky: No! Steve: Leave it there Rick we haven't got time to go into it, that's what happened. Karl: He lived with the monkeys, he got hairy. Steve: That's what happened. Karl: Looked into to some other stuff about like hairy kids and all that. Ricky: (laughs) Karl: Came across this story about a bloke right, who worked in a zoo. Steve: Oh dear, troubles brewing. Karl: So eh, lovin his job n' that but it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people you're just dealing with animals all the time, so anyway he gets a bit pally with a monkey coz it's the closes thing to a human. Ricky: Well an ape is. Karl: Yeah but you can't really go that close to apes coz they're dangerous. Ricky: Well what do you mean, what type was it, do you mean a chimp, was it a chimpanzee? Steve: Just let him tell the story. Ricky: Was it a chimpanzee? Karl: I reckon it was a chimp, yeah. Ricky: So you don't even know, so that's an ape. Karl: Yeah but it doesn't matter does it. Steve: So he gets pally with him, what do they go on holiday together, on the pull together? Karl: Well it starts off just checking each other out and probably sharing lunch n' that together, right, anyway this goes on for a while, you know they're getting on well n' that, and then after a while the starts sort of imitating him a bit more and sort of walking upright. Ricky: Oh god. Steve: Yeah, yeah. Karl: So he thinks oh that's a bit weird, anyway they get on really better and what have you so he thinks he could live at home with me this, because we're getting on a storm, so he takes him home. Ricky: Is this the beginning of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes", I think it is, I think you've seen this on video. Steve: I'm worried, coz he's already imitating him and they're moving in together, I thinking it's maybe a bit like "Single White Female". Ricky: (laughs out loud) Steve: Single White Zookeeper. Ricky: Brilliant, go on, Karl: So anyway, so it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of normal human life, it's having a cup of tea in the morning. Steve: Yeah, PG Tips. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: He finishes the day off with a little brandy. Steve: (laughs) He finishes the day off with a little brandy! What he pours himself, is he wearing a smoking jacket? Ricky: You are, I tell you what Karl, you're a maniac mate. Karl: Listen this is why it attracted me, it's amazing right, so he's having his brandy n' that, loving his life, next thing you know he sort of erm, I don't know if he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless, right, apart from his head. Ricky: Right so it's the opposite of the kid, yeah, that would happen. Steve: But hang on, so you don't know if he got shaved or it fell off. Ricky: How did it say? Karl: I'll bring it in for you, the story, then you can see if I've gone wrong. Ricky: Well. Karl: So anyway this is going on and he's havin a great life then the zookeeper starts gettin a bit annoyed because he's havin a better life than the zookeeper, the zookeeper's in the zoo... Ricky: This is such rubbish. Steve: So the zookeeper's still gotta do a day's work, the monkey's at home, he's partying, he's got his own chimp mates round. Karl: Well it gets to a point when he says there's no point you coming in to the zoo coz the whole reason of you being there was because you're being kept there. Steve: Right. Karl: And he didn't wanna bring the memories back, so he said you stay at home. Ricky: You are just, you're talking such... Steve: Just let him finish. Ricky: God I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel. Steve: Let him, I'm fascinated. Karl: It's nearly over anyway, right. Steve: It sounds extraordinary Karl. Karl: So he's walking upright, he's havin a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: Gets a bit out of hand, only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife. Ricky: (laughs) Make him go away Steve. Steve: (laughs) How does he do that? Karl: Well because he's around humans a lot he becomes a bit of a charmer. Ricky: (laughs) Steve: But what is it he could do to seduce her, pick fleas out of her? Karl: It didn't say. Ricky: He was built, he was built. Steve: (laughs) Yeah, he was well hung. Karl: So what about that? Ricky: What do you mean what about it Karl! It's obviously not true! It's obviously not true! Karl: This wasn't on the internet, this was in a book, so it's not a quick joke and put it on a website, this is in a book. Ricky: I love the fact he becomes a charmer, he's got a better taste in brandy. Steve: What was it he was doing that seduced her? Karl: I dunno, maybe coz he was at home more than the zookeeper was. Steve: But what would he be doing Karl! He's not gonna be talking with her, they're not gonna be playing trivial pursuit. Karl: Maybe she liked the silent type. Ricky & Steve: (laugh) Karl: It didn't go in to that, it just said that's when the trouble started. Ricky: (laughs) Karl, play a record. Steve: Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you home? Ricky: (laughs out loud)

Impotence

Ricky: What do you think of erectile problems, do you know that Pele advert, he goes "be careful, if you're having erectile problems call this number", what would you do if you were impotent, what would you do? Karl: What's he advertising? Ricky: He's just saying if you can't, you know. Karl: I haven't seen that, why have they got him doing it? Steve: Well, you know he used to be able to keep it up for hours, the ball. Ricky: What would you do? Karl: To advertise that? Ricky: No, if you suddenly couldn't get, you know. What would you do? Karl: I don't think it would bother me, you know. Ricky: (laughs out loud) You're thirty! Steve: What's wrong with him? You're talking like you're an 80 year old! Karl: No but, d'you know what I mean, sort of been there, done that now. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Karl: It's like the boxing and the dancing, it was good as a kid, now it's like take it or leave it. Ricky: (laughs out loud) Play a record!

Arse tumour

Karl: We'll move on to this next one right, which is brilliant, dead short story so, right, old woman about 70 years old, she's normally fit n' healthy n' stuff, nothin wrong with her, she's havin a good life and one day she goes for a check to the doctors, just to check herself out she's gettin on a bit, he says take your clothes off n' that so she does and checks her out says "yeah, you're looking good, turn round", he says "oh god", he says "you've got a tumour on your buttock", right, so she goes "oh, can you do anything to sort it out?", he goes "yeah, yeah, we'll book you in for an operation, it's best if we remove this", books her in for an operation, operation day comes, strip her down n' that, they're all stood round, the doctors, start to operate, only turns out it's a pork chop that she's sat on 5 years earlier and it had stuck to her buttock. Ricky: Right, Karl. Steve: (laughs) Ricky: Karl, i'm telling you now I'm leaving, I'm never doing this show again. Karl: No, I'm serious, honestly. Ricky: You're talking, I've never heard anything, such, you are, play a record, play a record. Karl: I couldn't believe it. Ricky: What do you mean you can't, stop the record, stop the record, right, what do you mean you couldn't believe it? Karl: No, when I read it I said I've gotta tell Ricky about... Ricky: This woman had a pork chop stuck to her arse for 5 years, you mental case! Of course she didn't!